Forgetting. . . or trying to

This week has been long but I've been collecting my self and continuing to set my head straight.  I spent a day job hunting to no avail, went to a birthday party, class, studied, did homework. . . avoiding all crazy sad pathetic impulses by leaving my phone hidden and constantly keeping busy.  I had to write on my hand a reminder that he has to call me this morning in a moment of weakness when waking up.  God damn its hard not to talk to someone you talk to every day, no one tells you this when your young, how stupid it is to love.  At this point I really just would like to get drunk, laid and feel slightly empowered for a bit, then inevitably remember all the things I like about that other guy whose been relentlessly haunting my head.  

Sick of love

Mornings are hard. . . its painful to ease into the day.  I've taken solace in short lived television shows with grumpy 20 something year old girls who can't interact with the outside world properly its comforting.  I was told the other day that if you spend enough time with anyone you can fall in love, that its nothing special, but maintaining that love is something else.  I want to wake up in a pair of arms not next to my dog.  

For the record

If someone came through time to tell me that in the coming months of December and January I would fall in to a deep depression and sabotage my relationship with my best friend and the guy I love . . . I would have gotten help.  I wish I could read my warning signs better, for instance over thanksgiving week when I could not stop crying.  The first week is over . . . I just want a resolution. 

apologies from the northern front

This horrible depression has lead to so many misunderstandings and erratic behavior in the last month all I hear coming out of my mouth lately are apologies to friends, family, loved ones.  Food has been hard to stomach and my heart hard to control, I've been forced to look in the mirror and take care of my self, something I haven't done in a long while.  I am the care taker.  Last month I fell apart and demanded to be taken care of by way of a mental break down, that did not work.  So here I am scraping my self off the sidewalk, now alone.  Yea it wasn't perfect but it worked, we loved and cared and just were, it was nice, I'm not a big romantic.  I see now that I got unhealthy, in my break down I started looking for reasons that something so good could not work and I destroyed it.  My life has been stagnate for too long, in celebration of the new administration and in the words of Sam Cook "a change is gonna come."  I will bundle up and go outside and hang out with my one friend here and look for jobs and go to school, get my head on right and hopefully my heart will follow suit. 

The therapeutic sharing of ones personal thoughts in public space

The little postings on that myspace page I have and hate so much were not enough, so hers my little life in a more public venue.  Let's find out what becomes of me.