so it goes

I miss you.

fine i'll give in and do it

I'll be a teacher.  Since high school I've been stuck pondering what the hell I'd actually want to go back to school for (school was hell in every way imaginable for me).  Its been four years, most of the people I know are graduating from college this year, me I've been procrastinating as usual. Sure I've grown a lot and learned all about my little ol' self, and I've talked with a lot of people about my options education is after all very important.  The one thing that keeps coming up from friends and family ect. is teaching.  Forever I was like yeah right let me sit here and laugh, I can barely make my self walk through the doors to get to class, you expect me to pick a vocation that would require that of me until I retire? However in the last few weeks some thing just clicked, I like working with kids, I think the education system sucks, and I had a shitty time so that would make me a better teacher because I'd know what it was like, I strongly value community, kids are really awesome to work with and I don't want any one else to ever have to go through what I did going to school.  I'd entertain the thought every so often and immediately dismiss it but after watching one of my favorite authors Dave Eggers speak about his tutoring shops around the United States. . . well it all just fell together in my head.  Its a weird feeling to know what you want to do.   I guess I can let my self go to college now. 

crash and burn

I am a disaster site.  A black hole.  I suck people and spit them out.  Why? Loneliness, a need to connect, to feel wanted, to feel something other than pain?  Sure, why not? They could all work.  My therapist told me I was a masochist, I thought she was crazy, now I realize she is probably right. I've managed to alienate the people around me whom I care for most, the people I really need around me right now.  There's been a lot of apologizing lately, seems to be a reoccuring theme this year.  I was just getting my life back together, and in a state of selfish drunkenness, the weeks of healing all came apart.  I have to hide and wait to be taken back, sober up, try to prove I have some sort of humility.  I've never really realized what a mega sleaze I can be, I'm a dog. 

bruised and burnt

We all seem to find the appropriate people in times of need to relive our heads of internal stress, giving more support to the theory: alone we stand together we fall apart.  For the first time in years last night I felt that little something I used to when I went to see a band play, that lovely flooding of ones soul that makes you shatter and shake.  You could see the noise wash over the crowd, like waves crashing on the shore, pulling all the viewers in and then spitting them back out, in time with the thundering bass.  Later that night I wound up in the back of my car, where so many youthful indiscretions seem to have taken place lately, and was asked, "are you still hung up on him?" All I could do was reply with a, "yes." Now I am thoroughly bruised and burnt.  

we were young

I used to run the streets of Minneapolis, praying to the gods of rock in roll and spending endless hours flipping through record stacks.  Trying so hard to live up to this.  We were greasy, and young.  We were the new blank generation. 

land mine

Woke up for the first time in a while next to someone new.  A night of cheap beer and commiseration will do that.  There is an extreme comfort I've found in waking up in a dank motel room next to some one dreading just as much as you the reality that will hit as soon as that door is opened.  We hid under those blankets till check out, talking, mumbling, murmuring, listening, laughing. When the time came to move on and we did just that.  All those layers of clothes striped away in such a hurry the night before reluctantly pulled back on to face the bitter air.  What on earth would I do with out all those friends I never knew I had?

Forgetting. . . or trying to

This week has been long but I've been collecting my self and continuing to set my head straight.  I spent a day job hunting to no avail, went to a birthday party, class, studied, did homework. . . avoiding all crazy sad pathetic impulses by leaving my phone hidden and constantly keeping busy.  I had to write on my hand a reminder that he has to call me this morning in a moment of weakness when waking up.  God damn its hard not to talk to someone you talk to every day, no one tells you this when your young, how stupid it is to love.  At this point I really just would like to get drunk, laid and feel slightly empowered for a bit, then inevitably remember all the things I like about that other guy whose been relentlessly haunting my head.