crash and burn

I am a disaster site.  A black hole.  I suck people and spit them out.  Why? Loneliness, a need to connect, to feel wanted, to feel something other than pain?  Sure, why not? They could all work.  My therapist told me I was a masochist, I thought she was crazy, now I realize she is probably right. I've managed to alienate the people around me whom I care for most, the people I really need around me right now.  There's been a lot of apologizing lately, seems to be a reoccuring theme this year.  I was just getting my life back together, and in a state of selfish drunkenness, the weeks of healing all came apart.  I have to hide and wait to be taken back, sober up, try to prove I have some sort of humility.  I've never really realized what a mega sleaze I can be, I'm a dog.